[originally posted December 7th, 2021] Location: training camp, Gainsville, GA
It was discouraging. And this moment in time, where God seemed so different than how I knew Him, I entertained a tedious thought: ‘Is God real?’
Realization #3: Christianity is bigger than me. Faith is bigger than Christianity. God is bigger than faith.
Let’s jump right in.
I’m in worship at training camp, right? Everyone is singing passionately, there are people off to the sides dancing gracefully, jumping up and down, crying, lying prostrate on the cool floor while their hearts are on fire. People are cheering and singing whilst the worship team finds themselves stuck on the bridge. People sing it with deeper passion every round.
A new experience for me. I loved seeing other people worship so ferociously, but there I was– hands in my pockets wondering how in the world I could ever reach a level of matched passion.
Don’t get me wrong– I adore worship. I love music. I become hyper fixated on its beauty. But this time, it wasn’t the technicality behind the worship or how the songs were being led.
Something felt off.
And, to be COMPLETELY honest, early on in the week my thoughts ran to the extreme. ‘Oh my gosh. Am I joining a cult?’
Fast forward to the end of the week where we sign a paper signifying our commitment to the World Race.
‘This is it. I really am joining a cult. Well, at least it’s a cult where we’re nice to people.’
The whole week was an experience. One full of realizations. And here’s what I realized:
This belief of “Christianity” is much bigger than my personal preference.
Sitting in worship, I found myself surrounded with people whose way of worship was not my own. Which partly excites me, because I love broadening my perspective, but partly worries me, simply because I’m not used to this form of worship. Everything that they were saying was so different to me. Their love and my love was the same love, but expressed so differently. It was alarming from time to time. Their passion took me aback.
Christians aren’t all the same. If we were, we’d be really boring. Some of us need liturgy. Others of us need to dance. Some of us halfway around the world use loud rhythms and harmonious chants to worship. Others use one single melody with nothing but the human voice. Some of us believe that child baptisms are acceptable. Others would disagree. Some people think that the earth is old. Others would say the earth is young. Regardless of the political side of religion, Christians still have a call to love and serve and believe in God, and we have a big ‘ole book full of ways that the Lord calls us all to serve.
Seeing everyone worship in different ways wasn’t something bad. It was just different. Something I had never quite experienced before. The atmosphere was different. My limited perception and exposure to a new facet of faith did not mean that others were wrong if they were different. Not that I’ve ever thought dancing was theologically incorrect, but my specific way of connecting with the Lord was not the way everyone else did it. And I liked that.
Faith’s much more than Christianity.
Everyone has– well, everyone wants– faith in something. It’s not just Christians. Different religions hold to different gods, different leaders, nature or spirits, even themselves. Our mission– the whole point of leaving and taking on serving for a whole year– was to provide the hopeless with faith. We would meet people who would hold different faiths than us. We would meet people who would be searching for a god. We were meant to be a people full of faith that enveloped our whole being. We didn’t have to be in seminary or have studied the Scriptures as heavily as the Pharisees of old. (Not to say that isn’t important. We are to be ready in and out of season. We should hide the Word of God in our hearts. Active faith requires doing, duh.) The people at this training camp had raised our hands in faith and were allowing for the Father to use us for His glory. Pretty cool that we don’t have to have all the answers in order to help serve our God. (Although it definitely does help.)
God’s much bigger than our faith.
I thought that once God had shown a certain amount of faithfulness to you, doubt wasn’t a thing anymore.
Weird how in a place full of people proclaiming His name, that was the moment I began to doubt.
The songs were unknown. The feeling was unknown. The people around me were unknown. There didn’t seem to be anything to cling to.
Who were these people praising? What were they saying about Him? I believed in the same thing? ‘Is that how they see God? I mean, it is theologically correct. I just had never thought about it like that.’ He had shown every single one of these people so much love, comfort, grace, and faithfulness that they were singing everything?
Not to be a skeptic, but… well, no; actually yes– to be a skeptic. I was being very skeptical.
‘Hey, God… could you just use your Holy Spirit and make them play Worthy of It All?’
But they never played it.
This was discouraging, since I love singing songs I know. And this moment in time, where God seemed so different than how I knew Him, I entertained a tedious thought.
‘Look, I know God is real. But is this the same God? Are they praising someone different? Is God real? Why are we all here? Who are we singing to? Why don’t I know any of these songs?’
All I wanted was to praise God’s worthiness alongside other people… but I didn’t know these songs. And for some reason, the unknowingness ahead made me doubt the overall existence of someone I knew to be omnipotent and omniscient. God.
I was… doubting God?
‘Look, I know this is silly. But if you’re real, this song is going to play. Worthy of It All will play and I’ll know you’re real.’
Well. The week continued on. Nothing changed– the songs still remained unfamiliar.
The last evening of worship, after Squad Wars and baptisms, everyone gathered into the large room to dance and sing into the night. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we sang so much we started screeching, we cheered, we clapped, we jumped up and down and we spent hours in God’s presence. And it was absolutely insane. At the end of the night, Evan hops off the stage and places himself in the middle of the room. We surround him, his guitar, and the drummer next to him. And you know what we sang to close?
Worthy of It All.
Relief flooded my body. ‘Oh thank goodness- God is real. You’re real. You do listen. Thank you so much– I can’t believe it.’
As much as I wanted to sing the one song that I knew, I choked up. The overwhelming realization that God not only existed, but heard me and nudged my doubts aside, was a lot in a single moment.
All of that to say, God didn’t have to do that. My lack of faith doesn’t suddenly prove that God doesn’t exist. God is not reliant on my faith. God is bigger than my beliefs, and He doesn’t have to bow to me because He’s so insecure He’ll do whatever it takes to keep me around. God didn’t have to help Gideon keep the ground dry and the fleece wet. He’s not Gideon’s God, under the authority of His creation– He’s the God of Gideon. But sometimes, He gives us moments to help see Himself. At that moment, I realized, for a third time that week, that this journey I was about to embark upon was so much bigger than myself. God doesn’t need me to go out and proclaim His name. He could do that all by himself if He wanted to. But we are his vessels. We are called to respond to His voice and follow Him whole-heartedly. God doesn’t need our acknowledgement of Him to continue existing. He doesn’t need us at all. But He wants us. And that, my friends, is a grand picture.
“I’m here,” He said.
Well. Praise God for that.
That’s all, folks. All three realizations from training camp. If you haven’t read the other two I encourage you to do so. Thank you all for your continuous support! As of tonight, I only need sixty dollars to be fully funded (12/7/21), and while I could easily provide myself with $60, I’m waiting to see what the Lord will do. INSANE, ISN’T IT?
Blessings.
Bread Crumbs 
Leave a comment